When your child speaks back to you

BY JANANI RAVIKUMAR

It has been a busy day at office, and you are tired. You cooked and served dinner to everyone. With the usual mother’s affection, you just served more than the usual quantity of vegetables to your child. And she does not like it. She speaks rudely, pushes her plate away and refuses to eat her food. A typical spat scene, an invitation for battle. What would you do?

Option A – Accept the invitation, lose your nerve and reprimand her. How dare she talks to you like that? Tell her in a strict tone to have the vegetables or else…

Option B – Take a deep breath and sit down with her, try to explain to her about the importance of eating vegetables and why they are so healthy for us.

Option C – Do nothing at all. Just pretend to ignore what she is saying and go about finishing your tasks as you are too tired to pick up the fight. You have done your job, and that’s it. And now let her do whatever she wants to. But of course, you are hurt inside.

Perhaps there is a better way out. Hold on…

‘I am tired, and I also need rest. I am also a human being’, and so on… Watch out for this running commentary inside you. Watch out for the signs of self-pity and resentment building up within you. Most importantly, watch out for the strong sense of ego, that hurt of having been insulted by your child. ‘Call it a mother’s ego, but I shall not tolerate my child speaking to me like that when I do so much for her’. Simply observe these thoughts and feelings within you. And take a deep breath, sit down, relax and let go…

Let go of the need to control, to be perfect, to serve the best or healthiest food to the kids, and most importantly, let go of the need to be a mother always. It is okay, it is all right even if you are not a great mother. And it is perfectly okay if your child speaks to you rudely. They also need to let go of rules and good etiquette sometimes (obviously you can’t tell them that!). Just let go of everything and relax.

And now, tell your child in clear terms what you think of her speaking to you in that way. That you are hurt by her words, could she please speak more kindly? And it is a small issue, but one that requires some thought and discussion between the two of you. ‘Mom is too tired now, dear. Can we discuss this tomorrow morning?’  And with that, close the talk, give her a good night kiss and push off to bed. You deserve a good night’s rest too.

Moral – Pick your battles, but don’t let the reins too loose. Wait until you are ready, gear up and recharge your batteries for the next battle.

But make sure you do have that tough discussion the next morning, okay? Some negotiation, a little bit of give-and-take from both sides is all it requires to close the battle. And finally, let it be a win-win for both sides, and end it all with a kiss and a hug.    

And now, the next time your child talks back to you, you are better prepared to handle it, aren’t you?